English Muffin toasted, spread on some real butter....it HAS to be real butter.

Then smother it with some peach jam. mmmm.

consume.

Anyway.

::sigh::

A lot going on here, folks.

Olivia's daddy is, well....freaking out.

He is not bonding with Olivia.

I know it's because of me.

Because of his new girlfriend.

Of the life that was robbed of him, that's what he tells me.

that his life was robbed from him.

oooh, the conversations we have had lately.

I believe my life has been gifted.

We are polar oppisites, considering Olivia.

I am working hard, that he does not abandon her.

wish me luck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFLPwv6b3lI
HANDS
by Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be, we're all okay
And not to worry
'Cause worry is wasteful and useless
In times like these
I won't be made useless
Won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own

and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes
But it didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

My hands are small
I know

But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
and I am never broken
We are never broken

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart

We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
-------------------------------------------
I have always loved that song. It makes me feel so much stronger after
listening to it.

my life is getting into my head today.
it's been quiet and it has felt heavy here.

I just want to eat junk food and do nothing.

events have caught up with me, and I think i am grieving
for those silly little canoodling loving little daydreams.
not that being single and happy isn't a goal of mine, it is.
and for the most part, I am happy. But, you know,
we were not made to be alone. we were created to have a mate.
a soul-mate. bone of our bones. An Adam and Eve scenario.

I get a different scenario.

mixed up and nuts.
it's all mixed up and nuts.

"my hands feel small,
but they are my own,
and I am never broken.....
and in the end, only kindness matters."

Paperwork. I hate paperwork like i hate standing in lines.

I have no patience for it.

I got paperwork heaped around my place, like a pulsing vein of

nagging thoughts. It's overwhelming me. I know a part of me,

has turned ostrich (and I do mean my head), to avoid the

tedious torture of doing it.

This is what I get though, for not tying up loose ends. And

being responsible for my life and my choices I was making.

Now I got to prove my new baby girls father, and i am sweating

that one a bit. I shouldn't, but i just do. My life never goes as

planned. Or just plain goes in the happy peaceful direction I

wish it to. Can you imagine the shock of it all?

If the father wasn't really the father?

Armageddon folks.

Panic and confusion on an epic scale.

Anyway......next friday at 11 am.

swabs will decide her fate, and mine too.

On a different, yet - sweat dropped worthy note.

My girl is going in for a well baby check up. I haven't

brought this up yet. But, there are rumors amongst the staff

at the hospital where she was born. That something might not

be kosher with her. There are talks of DS or something else lurking

in her DNA. She has a slightly larger tongue than other newborns,

and a crease down the middle of her foot. And my age is a factor

as well. So, I will hear more today about her PK test she had done

about a month go. They also mentioned doing some genetic testing.

Check in on that 21st chromosome.

And there are other things to deal with. Like, my boss, who

wants me to come back earlier than I want to. And I got to

get around to scheduling some kind of fight for that. Because he isn't
easy. He's a man after all. I know, an uncalled for
slam against men. I apologize to the good ones
out there. really.

And yes, all that red tape with the state.....
got to get my scissors out for that.

All this yucky stuff swirling about, i wish things were as peaceful

as she looks when she sleeps......

My sleeping girls

From the oldest to the youngest daughter, there are so many stories I could tell. It is the beginning and the end of a very long book. Not to say that my life is over, and I am at the end of my story now. This is just what strikes me when I see them like this.

There is 16 years between them. And my mind literaly pushes at its seams, when the memories start bubbling up. There is just too much. And unfortunately, not too much happiness is seen or felt.

I can't blame it on everyone else around me. And yes, I certainly can blame it on a lot of men. From my gene donor to my step dad to boys to a husband then back round to men. I am still to blame in all the factors. I made the choices. I stuck the name tag "doormat" to my chest. And wore it proudly and yet blindly.

I feel stupid, all that time I thought I was being forgiving and strong (for them, not me), loving, being open. I thought being exactly what they needed me to be for them, was going to make them love me. No, It just made it easy for them to manipulate me.

Me, myself and I made it easy for them to manipulate me. I take ownership, and now I march forward.

So, strike up the band, because here I go.

(Look for me, I will be the little flute player in the fifth row)

I am experimenting with Video.....we will

see if this works.

If not, than I am going to delete.

And act like I never tried it.

As in *whistling* "what video?"

just to avoid looking dumb.

I used to be so tech sav-ee

*sigh*

Life......is good

Make Room For Baby

Here are some shots my sister took when she

came to visit us at the Hospital.

She has some great expressions.

The first shot, makes me think she thinking...

"so....this is earth? what's the big deal? 9 months to see this?

hmmm, just bring me food."

"Loook, I can sing opera!"

Now, I am a Diva....
"Back off! did I give you permission to get that close?

Bring me my milk!"

"hmmm, what is this.....

blha...lug..ga..la...phpth"

Okay, baby waking up! Better go, hopefully when I publish

these pictures it wont save in some strange format I am

going to have to fix later, because I don't

have any time now to fix everything back to how I want it.

So, forgive if the text and the pictures get all rearranged. :)

Take care, everyone!

I had an appointment today....

nothing has changed from last Monday.

So, I made an appointment to be induced.

This Friday, March 27th.

6 a.m.

It's really bothersome to pick your childs birthday.

It's like, picking their personal path for them.

It's a tremendous responsibility.

Also, it's very strange, to pick the day your going

to have your baby. It's like volunteering for the most

frightnening moment of your life, and then sprinkle in a lot pain.

It's not like I haven't done this before.....I have.

With my son. But, he was overdue, and I was huge.

HE was huge, 9.9lbs.

So, it's like I am stuck between a rock and hard place.

I am too small for big babies. It's like....do I wait it out and

wait for labor to arrive? Babies gain a pound a week until

their due date. I am due, March 30th. I don't want

to force my baby out.

I want to go into labor on my own.

But, I can't chance it. So, I make the date. And now I hope

Labor comes on it's own by Friday.

I just hope all goes well.

Wish me luck!

Just thought I would show off some pictures of my daughter.
She takes them herself, I have been encouraging her to take
digital art. I think she would do well.

Nothing new with me.....

except that I am trying to get my blog back to normal.

I changed the format, did you notice? and i lost all my

quotes and links....

::sigh::

"Listen,

are you breathing just a little,

and calling it a life?…

For how long will you continue

to listen to those dark shouters,

caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!"

Wouldn't it be great to fall?

Just a glorious arms stretched out faith filled leap out into

doubt filled darkness? Wouldn't it?

To be honest,

I don't know if the fall is so great.

I have done it a few times these past 3 years.

And I will have to say.

The fall, is petrifying.

But, the landing.

the landing is everything.

whether it's on your face, back, or feet.

The landing is everything.

With caution and prudence

virtually stripped from your soul.

left behind in the wake of your g-force

escape into the arms of Passion and rashness

It's where you learn,

where caution and prudence belongs

their tsk tsking silenced for a time

perspective gains momentum

and wisdom lights up your new path

You can feel the change, before the fall

you know you can

so. how long will you stay

on the ledge,

before you let go?

I can speak with SOME experience

You all are a witness to my falls

You will survive

try some mini falls...

whatever they are to you
whatever they may mean for you

Then come back and tell me about it,

because I don't want to get off my couch

I want to snuggle with my lap top

and mentally encourage my cervix

to keep on dilating.....I'm at 3cm now.

labor. a brand new baby.

now, there's a fall for you.

I hope I land somewhere soft and safe.

: )

Hey, how is everyone?

I am doing well.

I am slow.

dialated to 1 cm.

and feeling uncomfortable.

but, I am doing well.

I have a new lap top!

No more old and slow.

woo hoo!

and Cable TV instead of rabbit ears and static.

Big news for me.

I am moving up in the world.....

ever so slowly....but moving.

I am getting ready for baby.

Almost done.

I even have the baby's bag packed, not mine.

I have to get on that.

Anyway.....not much to say.

but, I wanted to say something.

Take Care.

crib ready to push out the desk

Baby

The sun is out

but, I am not

I need to get moving

before the sun goes down

things to do

they fill my clock

2 months to go

before my life is a little less quiet

a little more crowded

a baby

a 3rd in my series

an unplanned miracle

and now

I make space where there is not
a room into a room

that which is not meant to be

but, it is possible

to stretch the borders

made of empty air

into walls

just a corner

to hug a crib

an old chair

to the left

with a squeak

in the rock rock rocking of it

it doesn't take much

a heart can make it so

mine

family

friends

2 months to go

the sun is out

and now, so am i